Mushrooms and Summer Days: Day Thirty-Six: Parks And Procreation

7/21/15, 8:31 AM CET

Because of jet lag, we woke up at 5AM today. And since we were pretty hungry, we decided to go ahead and venture the city the first opportunity we could, which was at 7AM since the trolleys don't start until around that time.

We ate at a small restaurant called Pippers, which specialized in selling miniature sandwiches. And trust me, I mean it when I say miniature.

I could make a really easy joke about this, but I think that's Nevin's job.

The restaurant itself was REALLY cute too. I don't think you could tell, but everything here was also very tiny.

Even the sun is tiny in here. Crazy, huh?

Has a really nice, homey feel, I think.

Afterwards, we entered the NEMO Science Center, which had very cool interactive stuff and, surprisingly, no references to Finding Nemo. One thing it did have though, was this cool particle accelerator learning zone that taught kids about what the Large Hadron Collider was accomplishing. As part of the exhibit, they had a room that used some of the new particles from the LHC to WARP SPACE AND TIME.

Oh and to show you just how liberal Amsterdam is, they had a section on teen sex. And it's just as funny as it sounds.

They had a "French kiss simulator"

Yep. Basically how it works.

And the crown jewel of the museum's sexhibits? This:

Oh god, and I just had this talk with Sam's parents too.

Inside, they had booths showing what I can only imagine to be video demonstrations on how to have sex (I'm not sure since it's all in Dutch).

Then again, I heard suspicious slapping noises in there...

But the best part? These guys.

There's just so many to choose from!

I don't know what to pick!

I think I'll have one of everything.

Except this one.

The museum exhibitors probably had as much fun naming these as they
did modeling them.

The view from the top was also very cool. Joby seemed to enjoy it.

The science building, I mean. Not one of the positions.

That's a Chinese restaurant in the ocean, not a landmark or anything.

Very nice.

Later on, we went to the Amsterdam National Library. It had a REALLY pretty looking interior.

Man those are some crazy balloon animals on display.

This is actually the children's section of the library.

But we didn't go to this IKEA-esque library to check out books on the Flying Dutchman or anything. We actually just came here to eat from their rooftop restaurant.

I didn't eat anything fancy. Just a pizza with sliced tomatoes, mushrooms, and some third unknown leafy stuff that I didn't know what was called but decided to slap all over the surface of my pizza for kicks.

They're not even garnish at this point.

Through a combination of the food coma, jet lag, and secondhand marinara smoke from all the potheads in here, I got SUUUUUPER tired today at around 3PM. We were buying tickets for a canal cruise and during the time that we were at the tourist center, I flat out fell asleep on the bench that I was sitting on. Mouth agape, drooling, snoring, totally asleep.

Then when we went on the actual canal cruise, I think our tour guide thought I was one of the most attentive people on that tour because of how frequently I was nodding (off) to his questions.

I got a few pictures though.

A pretty (and all-natural, 100% organic) canopy.

They look like they're looking at the camera, but they're all asleep too.

Canal with seven bridges. Or something like that, when he said it was
famous in Amsterdam, I snapped a pic and went to sleep.

Later, Megan and I got horribly, HORRIBLY lost in Vondelpark, which is Amsterdam's equivalent of Central Park. But with 600% more weed. Which may or may not be a good thing, you decide.

Tell you what, there is not a SINGLE place to pee in this entire park. Actually, no, scratch that, there were several urinals scattered throughout the park, but no way in hell was I gonna use those. I didn't take a picture of it, because taking pictures of urinals is weird, but I want you to imagine a plus sign.

In each quadrant of the plus sign is a place where a person could pee. Except instead of peeing on a corner or something, you'd have to stick your dongle in a little bowl-shaped thing, approximately waist-high and presumably designed to carry the male urinary organ.

Two problems:

One, everyone's peeing in the same collective hole in the center of the four-corners urinal.

Two, like Ivan's mother, IT HAS TOUCHED THE KONKEY DONGS OF EVERY SINGLE MAN THAT HAS USED IT BEFORE YOU.

So I held it in. I took these pictures of the park too. But more importantly, I held it in.